Sometimes I feel lost. I don’t know where I’m going. Despite all of the powerful works of God in my life, despite the unmistakable ways he has revealed himself and his great love for me, I still doubt. I doubt that I have enough. I doubt that I’m going to make it. I wonder what I was thinking to trust in God so much. I figure that I have made a mistake in judgment somewhere. I, too, can slip into despair.
St. Gregory of Nyssa (4th century bishop venerated by Roman Catholics, Eastern Orthodox, and many Protestant churches) reminds me
that I am not alone. Reflecting on
the life of Israel’s founding father, Gregory notes “Abraham left without
knowing where he was headed – a sure sign that he was going the right way.” As Gregory plunged headlong into the
Arian controversy of the 4th century, he was in troubled and unchartered
waters. He couldn’t see the road
ahead of him. He couldn’t
anticipate the outcome. Yet his steadfastness
would defend the faith against Arian heresy and lay the Christological
foundations of the Church for millennia to come.
Over 1500 years later, another great mind would enter the
scene and change the course of Christian history forever. Thomas Merton was a Catholic priest and
Trappist monk whose prodigious writings offer some of the most penetrating
spiritual reflections of the twentieth century, ranging from social justice to
the contemplative life, from the theology of the person to the inter-religious
dialogue. Like St. Gregory,
Merton’s mind was lucid and unrivaled.
Yet he too, this man of towering intellect and profound spiritual depth,
often found himself lost and in desperate need of the Savior.
Today his words mean more to me than ever. Challenged by darkness and divisions (both within and without), we all sense our deep need of God and one another as we take this journey of faith. Ponder with me this prayer that he
wrote and the connections it has to your life:
My Lord God, I have no
idea where I am going.
I do not see the road
ahead of me.
I cannot know for
certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know
myself,
and the fact that I
think I am following your will
does not mean that I
am actually doing so.
But I believe that the
desire to please you
does in fact please
you.
And I hope I have that
desire
in all that I am
doing.
I hope that I will
never do anything
apart from that
desire.
And I know that if I
do this you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know
nothing about it.
Therefore I will trust
you always
though I may seem to
be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for
you are ever with me,
and you will not leave
me to face my perils alone.
